ARTIST. GRIOT. ACTIVIST

My daughter calls me Sir, or Boss or Bru. I sincerely cannot remember the last time she referred to me directly as Mama (that was what she called me till the age of 7 when she started calling me Sir and never stopped).

She also had started wishing me happy Father’s Day since we got here (USA), before then, that was a salutation that was reserved strictly for her dad, and then after he passed, she transferred it to her god fathers and uncles. Then we got here and that was transferred to me. This was not because there was a shortage of father figures in her life because there were. And in fact, she got very fond of someone she still refers to as Grandpa (no blood relation) and he was the only other person she would wish happy Father’s Day to.

I asked her finally, why she wishes me happy Father’s Day when I am obviously not her father, and her response was “Because you’ve always played the role when no one else would”.  I didn’t know what to make of that. I guess in a way it is a complement to the reliability of my parenting, but after giving it much thought, I don’t know if that is a good thing.

I don’t want to be a good dad. I don’t want to be a dad, period. It’s hard enough being a mother. Being a flawed human means that even in mothering, I do and will continue to make mistakes, but at least I can course correct and hopefully be a decent example of mothering that could be a useful reference if ever she becomes a mother someday. How does one become a good father when you are not one or cut to be so? It is scary to think that stepping into voided shoes and doing so decently enough ranks me as a good one. Scary still to think that this walk may be a yardstick she would use to measure what a good father is, when or if she will co-parent with a father someday.

I was lucky to have had a fantastic father. And I have had the pleasure of observing fatherhood in my 5 decades of life and there are a handful of men that have left a lasting impression on me. My own dad was one. My high school Principal (Mr. Shidda) was another.  My high school BBF’s father (Mr. Mado) was another. My good friend Chiara’s husband who’s also a friend of mine (Dr. Giorgio Piastra) is another. Another good friend Vika’s husband who is also a friend of Mine (Sig Riccardo Grecchi) is one. The kid’s ‘grandpa’ (Mr. Thomas Francis) was one and of course, the kid’s own dad was one.

It was worrying (to me) that in my 5 decades of life, I can only pick out 6 men that to me represent perfection in fathering. I was worried because I thought it was an indication of the lack of good men, but that isn’t so. There are good men that are not good fathers, there are good husbands that are not good fathers, there are good teachers that are not good fathers, there are good leaders that are not good fathers. Being a good man doesn’t automatically translate into good fathering, so I don’t take it lightly. I do believe some of the men I have crossed paths with are great father’s too, I can only guess though as I have had no opportunity to observe closely enough to make that judgement.

This is not a condemnation to those that have fallen short; this is a shout out to all the great fathers out there doing what they do and leaving impressions on observing minds, A shout out even to those of you that I have crossed paths with and didn’t have the grace to observe, see or acknowledge your efforts. Just like the efforts of those that guided my parenting, your efforts are guiding someone else. Your contributions pulsate life into our societies.

Thank you and Happy Father’s day.