ARTIST. GRIOT. ACTIVIST

I have a very healthy sense of self that I hardly get trampled upon without my consent. Yes, this is me saying that all the times I have been (or felt) used by someone, I take part of the blame for that happening. Luckily, constant abuse creates a certain level of immunity and I have had my fair share of abuse. So, it takes a lot to shake my balance and make me feel insecure in who I am. That said, I am also very human and do fall into the usual discomfort of not wanting to share, but I am glad that I am human in that respect.

I was in a conversation a while ago with someone, and somehow it digressed, and suddenly we were talking about jealousy, and he said almost arrogantly “I don’t ever get jealous” and I replied, “Good for you!” And I recall thinking ‘I certainly won’t want to belong in your inner circle’.

Now, who in their right minds don’t want to be around non-jealous people? I don’t. I don’t think it is normal for anyone not to get jealous, it is a human trait to get jealous. Not recognizing the emotion when it surfaces and getting to the root of it, is where the problem lies but certainly not in its emergence.

Jealousy has many faces; I would say it all depends on how we define the word. I for one know for certain that I do get jealous, but I am not into violence, anger, or drama, and for that my jealousy can go unnoticed by anyone but me.

Now, I think people seem to associate jealousy to everything negative, and rightly so too, because as far as emotions go, jealousy is complex. It normally strikes when one perceives a third-party threat to a valued relationship. Conventional wisdom holds that jealousy is a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds, and that can be debated.

Notwithstanding, it’s my opinion that jealousy is a natural reaction to a perceived invasion to one’s territory. There is however, a very thin line between controlled jealousy and pure madness, and it is very easy to cross the line.

I have been lucky to have learn quite early, especially regarding matters of the heart, that it is never up to me to determine and control what or how someone feels towards me.  I can only be myself and hope that it’s enough for them. I am not saying that I have not gone through periods of insecurity for fear of losing someone I want for myself, to someone else. But I have learned early on that fighting to keep my territory doesn’t necessarily protect it.; just as much as someone else’s raving jealousy to keep me doesn’t guarantee my belonging to or remaining with them. Which is why and how I figured it is pointless going that route.

So, where, and how does my jealousy play a role in my life? That is a tricky one, in a sense, but rather straight forward in its simplicity, if ever. Intimacy and commitment in relationships are individually defined. So, boundaries are basically dependent on the people involved, to define for themselves, and I define mine basically by the discomfort I feel with third party intrusion to any intimate relationship I find myself in, otherwise, anything goes.

Intimacy, for me, determines the level of commitment I ascribe to my relationships, and it runs deeper – A LOT DEEPER – than the physical. The more committed I allow in any situations is very much determined by the number of kids in the sand box. I need to feel a connection that is unique; but even more complex, or so it seems, is that this connection is shared with ONLY me. Selfish? I suppose so. And yes, I suppose this is the one aspect of intimacy that I expect a reciprocating stance; that is the only way to get me to let down my guards enough to get a footing. So it is safe to say if that is not the case, no matter how cosy we are together, I can pack up and leave the very next minute without an iota of remorse or regret. There is zero investment. That is brutal, but that is how I operate.

That said, I am very aware that relationships are not about competing. I do not consciously gauge how much of me to give or open to someone else by how much of them I am receiving. But I won’t pretend that it doesn’t play a role. What you put in is what you get out.

Someone said we are the result of our past experiences; so, in essence, memories follow us into our future. I cannot begrudge anyone their memories, just as much as I expect mine to be respected. But I find that my jealousy is aroused when someone’s experience is used to gauge my performance as a partner. Granted it is human nature to hold unto the pleasant and hope that all, or most of the pleasant past, can be merged into, or triggered into being, for the present, and hopefully into the future. But the complexity of the human personality makes it impossible for any two people, no matter how genetically alike, to re-create a certain emotion in us.

So yes, it is frustrating trying to fit my princess Fiona foot into Cinderella’s crystal slippers. It was never designed for me, so it will never fit! That fact recognized and accepted, still doesn’t immune me to a twinge of jealousy for the fact that my playmate is fixated with Cinderella’s foot and it’s something I will never possess. Yes, it’s a reminder that I am never going to be everything they want no matter how hard I try, so I don’t even try, thus the unattachment and ease of breaking free and moving on.

Humbling or complex?

However, a reminder of how human I am with all my warts and ‘non-Cinderella feet’, is to me reason enough to know that I am not in a robotic relationship. I remain true to myself. Wanting to be pleasing, to be THE ONE, is somewhat bittersweet. It makes for better appreciation of what I have to offer and to focus on perfecting that. It is though, a tight spot to be because the discomfort will determine how much of myself, I will allow in this place of discomfort. So yes, jealousy keeps me from opening up totally; from going to that place where hurt reigns.

©Naan Pocen