ARTIST. GRIOT. ACTIVIST

My end of year cleansing ritual had me taking a step back and evaluating the changes I had implemented in my life in 2023 and the one that pulled my attention the most was the recklessness with which I had opened myself up to allow certain people into my life.

After my divorce (which was a close second in horrible experiences, next to the marriage itself), and especially because in retrospect, I realized that pairing up with my ex could have been avoided if I had paid attention to the warning signs from the get-go, I had decided that going forward, I was going to be intentional about who I allowed in my circle, not just romantically but in friendship as well.

Life changes sometimes bring out your true friends and ‘family’, but nothing does it better, quicker and clearer than divorce does, and I had my moment of reckoning then. I had gone ahead and cleansed my circle, letting go of people that needed to, and nurturing the relationship with those that I retained and have since added to my circle and continue to.

I am a social person and love meeting and knowing new people, so I know that new relationships will be a perpetual part of my being. However, it was also the first time in my life that I had decided that I was going to be VERY intentional about who gets included in my circle now.

It is amazing how easier and more pleasant my life has become since, that it baffles me still that I hadn’t done this sooner. I suppose it becomes easier in the second season of life to care less about people’s opinions regarding one’s choices and decisions, and the reasons behind them; it gets rid of the clutter of poor judgement nudged by societal expectations. So being intentional became my new norm

However, I became a little bit arrogant about my ability to be intentional regarding my circle that I slacked just enough to draw in people who, to be fair to them, were decent humans in their own rights, but whose presence in my circle created an imbalance that was a bother.

The cause for pause for me came when I found myself in an unhealthy verbal exchange about something rather banal. Although emotions were involved, there was no disrespect or unkind words exchanged that it could easily have passed for being  benign enough for me to ignore it, but if you know what I feel about yellow flags (read this for reference), you’ll understand why I took a full retrospect of the situation immediately.

It is straight forward really. For each relationship, and at each turn, I need to be able to ask and answers certain questions to my utmost satisfaction – Is this relationship healthy for me? Is it in alignment with my growth? Am I happy? Am I being treated the way I would like to be treated in this? Is this fellowship bringing out the best in me? If there is one negative (or even a slightly neutral) response to any of these questions, then I know I need to dig deeper until I come to a resolution about how to move forward.

I understand not everyone that crosses my path is meant to walk with me and that is OK. I don’t approach relationships with a preconceived notion of what it will become, but I am intentional about giving people time to show me who they are, and they always do. And then it becomes up to me to decide what I want to do with that.

I was able to look at the encounter fore mentioned and decide we don’t belong in each other’s circles and so I retreated gently. What I found amazing and calming is that there was no animosity, regret or malice attached to having crossed paths with said person. I like this way of being, where parted ways are with such ease, that it leaves no room for anything but blessings for all involved. So I am even more certain now, that I will never stop being intentional because I love how stress free and drama free my life has become.

Peace begins with me.

©Naan Pocen