ARTIST. GRIOT. ACTIVIST

Once upon a time, it mattered to me that people thought I was nice. I was taught to treat others the way I would like to be treated, I was taught to be nice, to be kind, to be thoughtful, to be considerate and selfless, and for the most part I have gone through life letting those traits be my yardstick to measure decency and I aspired to be that.

Granted, being any of those things is not automatic, it takes intention and attention and often with the wrong kind of people challenging my integrity, it becomes difficult. However, every time I fall off the wagon I get right back up.

The older I got, the more obvious it became to me that the meaning of some of these words are very subjective depending on who is using them. And the one that stuck out to me the most is being nice.

See, being nice is generally perceived as being pleasant, being agreeable, being satisfying, being acceptable, being gratifying, being amusing…the list goes on. But the bottom line is that the general expectation when someone tells you to be nice, is that they expect you to put their needs above yours and if you chose to do otherwise, then you are not nice.

When you catch me on a bad day with a distasteful joke that I don’t find funny, I am not being nice. When tired little Joey won’t take a kiss from grabby grandma, he isn’t being nice. When my child wouldn’t share her toy with your child, even though there are other toys about for your child to choose from, then mine isn’t playing nice. When you buy her flowers even though she has told you many times she was allergic to pollen grains, and so she refuses them, then she is not being nice…the list goes on. But we use the word nice to shame or guilt each other into manipulating them to do what we want for our selfish reasons.

It used to confuse me when having a say in a matter that concerned me resulted in being told I was not being nice, or refusing to put up with something that made me uncomfortable, or even being around people I found condescending meant I was not nice, when all I really was doing was looking out for my own interest without imposing on others’, and so I went out of my way a lot to be agreeable even when every fiber of my being hated it. The sad thing about that way of being is that it breeds resentment which in turn breeds contempt. It was a miserable vicious cycle!

The solution for that came to me during meditation one lovely Saturday afternoon. I had dropped by the temple for the weekly service. It was also the day we had the monthly Qigong exercise. I was seated on the floor, eyes closed and reciting the chants along with the reverend, and I heard it clear as though spoken into my ears.

“Being kind is a lot more important than being nice.”

I opened my eyes and looked around me. We were all seated uniformly spaced apart and the people on both sides of me weren’t close enough to have whispered that to me, but I heard it. I closed my eyes again and continued in the ritual. And this time I heard it, or rather felt it, in my core.

I felt a warmth start from my very belly wanting to burst through me. It started like a tickle and slowly became a slight tremble spreading all through my body leaving a tingling feeling in my hands and feet. It was a blissful feeling and it made me want to burst out laughing but I held it in.

All through the Qigong exercises, I kept smiling and repeating those words in my head as the import of it hit me.

“Being kind is a lot more important than being nice”.

What is the difference?

Being kind is a divine attribute. It’s benevolence, it is consideration, it is charity, it is patience, it is thoughtfulness, it is gentleness, it is tenderheartedness.

Well, isn’t that the same as being nice? Not really, it is similar but not quite the same. Being nice involves the ego, kindness doesn’t. When just being nice, it matters to us how we come across to the person we are nice to. It adds to the persona we are trying to portray, and we will make ourselves uncomfortable for the simple pleasure of appearing or being perceived as agreeable.

Kindness on the other hand is an offering to someone because it is the human thing to do. Oftentimes, it is letting the divine energy serve another through us. Being benevolent towards another is having the humility to know that but for the grace, go ye. Benevolence expects nothing in return, not acknowledgement, nor even gratitude for the gesture. It is a lot harder to be kind when the ego rules.

Now, what is even more interesting is that when we go through life with kindness as our purpose, then being nice becomes automatic, and better still, because it is not attached to the ego, its offering is sweeter.

So, I stopped being nice for its sake and have chosen to move in kindness instead. Kindness gives me the voice to say no when I feel manipulated without the need to be offended. It gives me the courage to be OK with not being perceive favorably. It gives me the clarity to be true and honest. Kindness is liberating.

So yes, I am not nice, and I am OK with that because to me, it is more important to be kind, and I am kind.

Peace begins with me.

©Naan Pocen