ARTIST. GRIOT. ACTIVIST

I had an epiphany a while back that I call minding the yellow lights, I’ll explain.

For those of you that drive, you know what it’s like while driving and approaching an intersection with traffic lights, to focused on the colours and praying it stays green till you cross. There are two kinds of people, those that start to slow down as soon as they see the lights turn yellow (preparing to stop when it turns red), and those that speed up to cross through before it turns red. I used to be the latter until an incident with my daughter, making a comment, got me feeling stupid; the light turned yellow and I was a distance away, but I stepped on the pedal while chanting “I’m going, I’m going, I’m going” but the light turned red just before I crossed it and I was forced me to step on the brakes, jerking us forward. But for the seat belts, we would have ‘kissed’ the windshield!

“Jeeze!” She exclaimed, hugging her chest “Did you have to do that? Yellow light means ‘Slow down until you know’, you know that right?” She added, still hugging her chest, and easing the slap from her seat belt.

“I know that” I snapped back, slightly embarrassed and thinking, ‘Why did I even think that was a wise move?’

In retrospect, I have NEVER sped though a yellow light with the sort of ease and confidence one drives through a green light, because the yellow light is NEVER a guarantee that I’ll make it through before it turns red. The Yellow light is a period of uncertainty and forced hope, at least with either the red light or the green light the message is clear.

It is logical to assume then that it is a lot more important to pay attention to the yellow light, it will save you the trouble to jerking to a halt when it suddenly turns red. And sometimes, even when you slow down to the yellow light, it still allows you to make it through before it turns red, and that passage is always with ease.

So, back to my epiphany, I was in a conversation a while back with someone about red flags in relationships and at a point, I wondered out loud “why is it called red flags?” and the response I got was,

“Probably like the red in traffic lights?” to which I added,

“Does that mean there are yellow flags as well?” and we both laughed.

But I went away pondering on that for a while. I have been in relationships where there were red flags that I ignored, and when they fell apart down the road, I had to come to the acceptance that all this pain and disappointment could have been avoided if I had just paid attention to the red flags in the beginning, because there were red flags in every one of those failed relationships that I had chosen to ignore.

But WHY did I ignore the red flags in the first place? Probably because I had practiced ignoring the yellow flags for so long that I became arrogant enough to believe that ignoring the warnings will let me pass through the trouble and land in the green light zone?

The desensitization of adhering to warnings is dangerous.

Anyway, I eventually decided that I will start minding the yellow flags (the yellow lights) and I must say that so far, it has saved me the trouble of allowing the wrong people in my circle. And by wrong, I don’t mean there was anything wrong with them, per se, it just means we are on different vibrations and would have been harmful to each other rather than helpful. Not trying to dis anyone here, heck, I could have been their yellow light too if they had paid attention!

As much as I wish I had this insight in the past to have avoided all the heartache and disappointment I have lived through, I know that I needed to have gone through it all to have this insight to know how to go forward and I am happy that this wisdom came with getting older.

I live a life of perpetual friendship, meaning, I open myself to making new friends even at this age. I have made a handful of friends this year, some of them are keepers but some turned out to be a yellow light friendship, and I’ll explain with one example.

I participated in an art event and had to cancel a brunch with this person and when they reached out to find out how it went, the question posed was,

“How did it go? Is your hand cramping from signing too many autographs?” to which I responded with laughter emojis and said,

“You are too good for my ego, but I don’t want to be ‘autograph’ famous” and left it at that. Fast forward to another week with another Art event and another rescheduled brunch and again, this person reached out again to find out how it went. I told them it was fabulous, I should do this more often, laughter emojis, to which again, they responded,

“That is awesome!!! Tell me about it, did your hand cramp from signing too many autographs?” Innocent maybe, but the comment this time gave me a yellow light vibe, so I responded to let them know I was uncomfortable with that sentiment.

I am one that strongly believe that words are spirit, and they are alive, and I am very intentional about the sort of words associated with things that are important to me – family, friendship, career, health, spirit etc. I needed them to understand that my art is very important to me, and I would love to have it become my primary source of income, heck, I am even open to being stinking rich from it, but I don’t want or need the fame and certainly would hate the autograph signing kind of fame to be associated with my art and it will mean a lot to me if they refrain from using that in the same sentence when talking about my art going forward because that is not the direction I want my art energy to take me.

This person became very offended with that. Said I blindsided them with that comment and they are very hurt, especially because when they mentioned it the last time, I had responded that they were good for my ego and I emoji laughed. To which I explained that I laugh when I am uncomfortable (true) and saying they were good for my ego was my way of acknowledging what I thought they were trying to convey with that comment (that they thought My art was good enough to make me famous), to which I apologized if that was confusing to them, but I also did point out that I mentioned that didn’t want fame, that first time. And the reason why I am going into details this time is because I needed them to know I really MEANT I didn’t want fame and wanted to explain why….

There was a bit of back and forth about me sending mixed messages, for not being clear the first time, blah blah blah. I pointed out that I move in grace, meaning I am aware people are awkward and will say and do things that are not intended to offend (the sort of grace I hope I’ll be afforded when I’m awkward), and so when that happens, I dismiss it gently, hoping people are intelligent enough to hear me the first time, if it happens again, I address it with more clarity, still with kindness but leaving no room for confusion.

If I had let it carry on after the second time, then they would have a right to claim I gave mixed messages, but I refuse to let anyone tell me I should live, tight assed, waiting for a person to be awkward the first time, to descend on them with details about what I refuse to allow – That is not gracious, that is not realistic, and that is not how I would want others to be towards me (lacking in grace)…

Anyway, there was an apology from this person eventually to which I accepted, but they were still hurt, probably waiting for me to reach out and sooth their ego? I walked away. But for the life of me, I couldn’t shake of the fact that this mindset was eerily like a sex predator’s. Envision this scenario:

Person takes you out, brings you home, kisses you, to which you probably allow, because you (maybe) like them(?) and your response encourages said person to become handsy, to which you kindly peel their hands off you and tell them, maybe even with a nervous laugh, “We’re not doing that today”. And the next date, it happens again, only this time the grabbing is more possessive and invasive, to which you step back and make it clear that although you like them, you want to get to know them better before you cross that line, and they blow up on you because you are sending mixed messages (??)

I have dealt with sex predators before, so I am not just pulling stories out of a hat. The sense of entitlement is intense…

So yes, I read this person’s reaction to my second, more detailed NO, that way, an obvious yellow light and stepped away from that friendship. This person is probably not a bad person, but I wouldn’t know, and I was not about to linger and find out. I don’t want to get into an argument with ANYONE about why I should have the right to say when I don’t like anything, even if I didn’t say it clearly enough the first time. Now, this is an example of a yellow light situation for me, and I have had a lot of those this year.

Remember, yellow lights are subtle, and not as threatening as red lights, so it is very easy to ignore or make excuses for – those unsavoury jokes that gets you cringing, but you laughed at anyway, those odd requests that aren’t particularly harmful per se but make you a feel a bit uncomfortable. Those invitations to participate in activities that never crossed your mind, that aren’t necessarily mainstream but not necessarily harmful either albeit making you pause for a minute to consider it. I don’t know what your yellow lights are, you will know them when you see them.

May you go into the new year paying attention to the yellow lights and minding them. Remember that yellow lights don’t always end up in red lights, sometimes they let you cross over to the green zone, but you’ll do so with ease, so you won’t be missing out on having a full and rich life. Happy New Year!

Peace begins with me.

©Naan Pocen